jumbled, chaotic, and random thoughts

When it rains, it pours.
When its dark, its hard to see whats in front of you.
When nothing seems to go right, everything seems wrong.

My mind is clouded and weighs heavy on my shoulders.
My body feels every last thought that keeps me awake at night.
My lack of slumber drives me up the wrong tree.
I'm short and cross and lose the words I should be speaking.
I hurt the ones I love most dearly.
I'm fighting a battle with myself and I'm losing.
I have a hard time when it comes to changing anything in my life.

I'm sad. I'm happy. I'm shaken. I'm stirring inside. I'm fading away in a world of chaos. I'm complicated. I'm not perfect. I'm in love. I'm pushing everything good away and I can't stop it. I'm confused. I'm struggling. I'm reaching. I'm trusting. I'm praying. I'm reading. I'm still learning, daily. I hunger for truth. I get lost. I'm weak. I have faith. I have love. I crave laughter. I need joy. I have God. I have hope. I'm every color of the rainbow. I have highs and I have lows. I need a hug. I need silence. I crave attention. I need an ear to hear me. I need encouragement. I need affection. I need a gentle hand running their fingers thru my hair. I need a voice to be gentle in some cases, but stern in others.

A tender melody picks up my head. God's word comforts my stirring mind.
He puts me to rest everytime I struggle inside. His hand is what I seek to guide me thru the darkest of roads I go down. He sets the captive free. He puts my heart to ease.

I am Me. I am up and down. I am striving to be the best I can be. I am in love with my God. I am in love with my best friend/future husband. I am in love with my kids(all three).

I need everyone's prayers, love and faith.

Be still my Lord commands...Amen

Fake...

Ok, so who, out in this complicated world, dislikes FAKE PEOPLE? I'm not talking about the ones that get plastic surgery on their noses or bigger boobs. I'm talking about the people that pretend to your face.

Yea, the ones that think they're slick but are so obvious. Yea...nice right?

It's even worse when it takes you awhile to see them for what they are. And it stings that much more.

Oh, but don't be mistaken. They screwed up at that point and nothing short of a miracle can get them back into this heart. The road is rocky and the person you get as a result of your actions is not pretty. I'm not evil and I won't hurt you for hurting me, but I won't sink as low as them to save face. You get what you get and you don't throw a fit, as my kids would say.

I have no room in me to play games. I'm a grown up and that's in the past. If you need to be fake, take it somewhere else. Don't think you're doing me any favors by sticking around. Don't say you'll call if you really won't. Please don't pretend until something better comes along or do it because you think others are looking and you need approval.

I'm a strong woman, with our without you. I have genuine people in my life that will have my back through the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am loved because of who I am, not by the person I have to be to please others. I didn't neec you before and, trust me, I don't need you now.

I'm done, spent, cooked, finished, PLEASE TAKE IT ELSEWHERE.

LOVE MY LIFE, THE WAY IT IS...MY GOD, MY KIDS, MY FAMILY, MY HONEY, MY FRIENDS...through prayer, faith, and love...I'll survive another day...

My goodness...Will this ever end?

I feel out of sorts lately. Am I to blame for everything that goes wrong?

Like as if the world crumbles will I be pin pointed for its destruction?

Take these for example...

Mom you didn't get my clothes. Or someone says, I have to change this, bend so it works for me, when I don't I'm to blame for it. Or how about this persons the way they are and you just have to adjust to it...BE THE BIGGER PERSON.

Well how about, I DON'T WANT TO BE THE BIGGER PERSON. What for I constantly ask myself. To continue getting the poo poo end of the stick? What if I decide one day to give up, entirely. Tell people to be the bigger person and deal with it. Or just not be the all I can be...would they see?

Nope...never!! They will only see what I'm not doing(another cause for alert) and, yup guessed correctly, I'm not being that bigger person. You know the one who always turns the other cheek. The one who picks up the dirty launrdry(in so many words) separates it, washes it, dries it, folds/hangs/irons it and puts it away nicely/neatly.

You know, one day What if I just throw my hands up and quit...then what? Will someone come to my aid when I can't do it any longer? Maybe, but I don't want anyone's pity, sympathy. I just want understanding. That just because someone says JUMP! doesn't mean I have to comply and say HOW HIGH?

If the tables were turned the people who are always doing the changing and expecting me to make the proper adjustments to fit their new schedules wouldn't cut it, or maybe they'll finally see my end of it. That if I were doing what their doing...they would flip out...start pointing that same finger they point when it's them doing all the asking.

It's the cause of the Ooo's, the Awwwe's, and the My Goodness! Will this ever end?

But I must prevail and keep my head held high and do what's best for me and my children, according to God's will for us.

Life doesn't always give us everything we want out of it. My faith runs thin when I'm not relying on my Heavenly Father, but with constant prayer and trust in Him, He will set me free from man's captivity.

I pray you will pray for me, when I come to mind. As I will pray for you, even when you think no one cares about what your troubles are, know that someone is there when you feel alone and out of sorts...GOD...HE ALWAYS WILL BE!!

Sleep?

It's wind down time and I'm all wound up. This night was...well it was what it was. I'm not tired but I'm already dreading tomorrow morning.

These sleepless nights are really starting to get to me. I'm not old, but my body is really suffering. Due to the lack of real sleep, I'm short with my answers, an emotional wreck, and have the worst body aches from head to toe. Not to mention my knee is still healing and that alone causes me daily pain.

But this Mami can't stop. When do Moms and Dads get a true break? Never, honestly. Unless you go on vacation, for longer than three days. Even when you're on vacation you're really not. Your mind is still consumed about what your kids are up to. Did they do their homework, are they behaving, What trouble they might be getting into. You end up calling them numerous times and really can not relax.

That's ME!! In a nutshell. The worrier, the rescuer, the fixer, the scheduler, the fashion consultant, the hair dresser, the shoe lacer, the doctor, the breakfast, lunch and dinner maker, the etc, etc, etc. I'm cool with it. I love being a Mami, wouldn't have it any other way.

My sleepless nights are a combination of everything actually. And my mind just won't shut down. So goes the story of my life.

So friends recommend sleeping pills(which I might have taken, if I didn't need to be alert for the kids at any given moment). Or the old trick of the trade, warm glass of milk(which I can not stand...milk...chocolate please). Ooooo and a warm bath/shower(tried, and it woke me up even more). There are many different remedies, and most I have tried and continuously have not seen work(for me).

I guess it's a battle I will always have to fight. NO SLEEP...so sad, so sad. I will just have to get it when I can. Crash here, crash there. Nap there, nap here.

My body will have to adjust and take whatever lack of sleep may dish out to it. I'm a big girl, I can handle it.

I need to learn how to release my woes into the Lord's hands.

Sweet dreams for those on their way to dreamland. And may sweet slumber find ME for a change.

More, More, MORE...

Is it just me or does nothing ever seem to be enough?

I mean there's never enough time. Never enough money. Never enough food(although the pantry is full). Never enough hugs from the one you love. Never enough alone time, walking hand in hand. Never enough time at night to rest or sleep. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

Why???

I think it's because people or We always want MORE! Right? More money. More date nights. More sleep. More food(most likely the food we don't need). More, MOre, MORE!! And for what? Nothing. Because once you have a little more, you want...You guessed it, MORE. It's a vicious cycle of not being satisfied with what you've got.

Relationships as well. You find yourself feeling like there has to be more. Or another person who might give you more. Whether it be their time, money, energy, life...I don't think even then it will be enough. It may suffice for the time or even longer but in the end a person who doesn't value it will lose their train of thought and start wishing for More.

Take me, as an example. I am far from being perfect, as I've stated before, but I find myself wanting quality time with my kids or my honey or my family. And it turns into disaster. No matter how well thought out the day, afternoon, evening is. Then, when it fails, miserably, I'm wanting more.

At the mall, people, I mean I, end up wanting more. More clothes, that I may need, but the kids need more than I do, More shoes, because the weather changes and I think I need boots or tennis shoes or sandal when it's rainy.

My mind is in constant motion of what's wanted, rather than what's needed. For me...My focus needs be turned to God. He will provide the more when we(I) feel out of sorts. When I feel like I've failed and can't make due with what I have(or don't have) He will ease my heart and show me what I have is quite sufficient(and then some)

If only more people see that. Feel that. Know that. HE IS ALL WE NEED! Would the world be a better place? Possibly. But, probably not. Our struggles make us stronger. Our lows are there for reasons only God knows, and we experience so we can choose Him and what's right. To then build up and stand strong with God by our side to guide us through this hectic, chaotic place we find ourself stumbling on.

Again, this is my life and what better way can I find? No better way...Just Christ's way. I'm going to fail, fall, want to quit all the time, but He shows me the right way. The way that shows me what I need, and in turn my wants fade away(not entirely) but enough to know that they are not so important anymore.

Tomorrow is not promised to me, but eternal life is. And that's all I want, need. And that is what I need to show my kids. Teach my kids. Model for them. And I'm going to get lost, but His light will guide me through to the straight and narrow.

I only pray everyone knows God and His gifts and promises He has for them, and they choose Him.

Blessings come in many different forms...a child, a friend, a hug, a sentence spoken to you, a helping hand...you yourself are a blessing in itself. And that I am thankful for.

Overlooking The Little Things In Life

Have you ever been so caught up in this worlds chaos that the little things(like your kids) get lost in it all.

I don't know why but I'm constantly forgetting all the little things in life that make me, ME. Especially my babies.

I forget their ages and that sometimes all they want is to play, with me. They want Mami to go outside and watch them ride their scooter, or read them a book, and just enjoy their company. Many, Many times I get frustrated that I don't have enough time in the day and that they'll understand if Mami can't.

In reality the more I say no, the less often their going to ask me. And the day they don't ask, well that will be a sad day.

So what's 5 minutes to a child vs an adult? To an adult it means nothing or maybe it means that their that many minutes late, or need that many more as an excuse to get their kids off their back. And to a child it can mean the world. To them it may mean that many minutes they get to have your undivided attention. That many more minutes they could be hearing your voice as you read them their favorite story, that many minutes it takes their hearts to fill with a joy unimaginable to our selfishness.

I'm not a perfect parent, actually far from it, but if that 5 minutes can make them happy and can show them I love them and want to be there for them then why not? Why not give them that joy? Why not be the parents they want and need, to see that glimpse of greatness from a Mami or Daddy they hold so dear, that they love so much?

I know I don't ever want them to feel like Mami doesn't love them, or that I'm to busy for them. So I stand up today and I will try my best to give them that little time that may mean the world to them.

Whether it be 5 minutes or 30, make a change that will give your kids happiness and joy and the thrill of being a family. Take that time to truly enjoy what little things will do for you and for them. Show them that they're just as important as washing a dish or folding the laundry. Maybe even include them in your household duties, they'll surprise you every time.

I'm starting at 10 minutes and I'm sure it will grow into so much more...

What will you do?

Kids, It's Homework Time...

Why is it that any age group doing homework has to be such a problem?

I struggle sometimes with the kids actually not complaining. It's like their going to the dentist or something to that extreme.

They try to find reasons or excuses to get out of it. My seven year old writes me notes now, scribbled on a piece of paper, saying, "My brain can't focus anymore!" or "I need it quiet!" or she'll just say to me, "Mom, I don't feel well, can I do it later?" or "Can I have a snack first, during and after?" Please if only they truly knew...I invented the I'm not feeling wells and I need a break...or how about I just don't want to do it. How foolish they are to think it's all new. Like it's never been done before. If only they realize it now, I mean it would make their lives easier and homework time would run a lot better. Like bypass all the excuses because they are definitely not working. TRUST ME!

My five year old LOVED homework, but soon learned what his sissy does, and now in turn he tries it on Mami. Oh little mister...learn quicker than her and then we can all live happily ever after in homework land. Although, his excuses are unique, like "Mami, my hand hurts" or "I miss my daddy" or "Can you hold me?"(see how he tries to pull the wool over Mami's eyes)

All in all, I probably deserve every bit of grief they can dish out. I wasn't the perfect little homework doer. Ask My Mama. So from here out, I'm pretty sure, it's only going to get worse. Harder even. New excuses will be made and laughs for me to enjoy. Ahhh, the joys of motherhood.

But, you know what? Truly. I wouldn't have it any other way. These days are what shape them to do better in school, at homework time, in sports. Dedication, encouragement, discipline, belief in the bigger picture. If I gave up on them then soon after they would follow in my footsteps. And that wouldn't be fair.

So I keep on walking, praying, believing in them and a brighter future.

I believe in my kids and in myself to make it to the end of that dark tunnel called homework time.

WITH GOD, EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE!

Gloom All Around

So today is a gloomy day and I don't want to do anything. All I want to do is cuddle up under the covers and go back to bed. My daughter can walk home, right? NO!! I guess I could call her grandma, but I won't. LAZY...Rita, GET UP!! There is no time to be lazy.

Tell me something...why is it that when it's cloudy out and cold I don't have energy to be up and about? For starters, I know I'm not alone in this boat. There has to be an abundance of moms out there who can relate. I mean it's another day, why don't our bodies just know that and continue? The routines our lives become should suffice, right? But it's not just that. Our eyes see it's cloudy, our skin feels the cool of the wind and I'm certain that's what makes our mind do a double take on why we'd like to just stay in and not go out.

I guess we have to play mind games to motivate ourselves, to steer clear of the covers calling us back under. Or the comfy house at a perfect temp egging me on to stay in and watch a movie, pop popcorn, and make hot cocoa. All things I could still do while staying busy about the house. But instead, the will power is just not there. The gloom takes over and I fall victim to a the warmth of my covers. Lol...

But, alas, I must push on and find the will to get up and conquer those dishes in the sink, the mountain of laundry that needs to be folded, the homework that needs to be helped with.

I WIN...in both categories today...I'm up, I'm up...

A Mami

Ok, so I think my first blog was aight...lol so I'll keep going...

So today is officially the kids first day back to school and I'm happy. They're not, but I AM. Don't get me wrong I miss them when they're at school, but mami needs a breather. A 7 and 5 year old running around all day is exhausting. Mami I want, Mami I need, Mami I'm hungry, Mami I'm bored, Mami he/she hit me, Mami, MAmi, MAMI!!! How about, Thank you Mami, Please Mami, No thank you Mami, Ok Mami, I LOVE YOU MAMI...well for the most part they do, I might be over exaggerating a bit.

I'd have to say that no matter where they are I'm thinking about them. Whether they're away with their dad for a week or sleeping in the next room, they are always in my head. Are they ok? Are they getting what they need? Are they safe? Fed? Warm? What do they want to eat? Do they have homework? What are they wearing tomorrow? Is it time to pick them up? You get my drift...

Ever since I found out I was pregnant for the first time my mind morphed into Mami Mode. And I seem to have never been able to turn it off. I mean honestly, I don't think I ever will be able to.

I lived my life doing what I wanted(for the most part). Nothing keeping me grounded. Trust me, I wasn't out partying my life away, but none the less, it was just ME. I worked, went to school, and had some good times. But as soon as they said, "your pregnant," it all changed(well for me it did). And that's ok. More than ok, that was the best thing ever for me. I had to be the best not only for myself, but for the baby. No more doing for me, there was a living, breathing, growing being inside me. And I had to shape myself into what the baby needed.

And by the grace of God I am a Mami(of two), AND PROUD OF IT...lol

I will always: Want to protect them(from everything), Love them(unconditionally), Be there for them(even when they don't want me to be), Kiss them before bed(well until they move out), Pick them up when they fall down(emotionally, physically). I embrace what God has blessed me with daily. Their smiling face(or sad), all the Mami(I want, need, I'm hungry, bored, etc), the leave me alones(from my daughter), the No's(from my son), all the please and thank you's, all the kisses and hugs(for as long as they'll give them), and for the I Love You's(even when they don't say it, I'll know it). And I'll hope and pray and have faith and believe they'll both know(Forever!) I Love Them, Too.

Whether they like it or not...

I WILL ALWAYS BE THEIR MAMI!

It Could Be, Might Be, May Be, It's A Possibility...

Ok, so this is my official first blog and I'm pretty nervous about putting my thoughts, wants, dislikes, likes, blah, blah, blah, blah out there for eyes unknown. But, what the heck...here it goes...

Where to start? I was just in the ER for four and half hours this morning...I think that's fast for them...but no concrete diagnosis...WOW shocker. What else is new. I mean, unless its OBVIOUS(ie. your bleeding) Tests are good, but do they really need all those viles of blood? The nurse was great, she actually got scolded for doing my blood work and IV. My ER Doc was someone I knew, awkward, but nice to see a familiar face. The CT guy had way to much cologne on, he was very sweet and informative and thorough. All in all they sent me home with these results: ABDOMINAL PAIN. I mean REALLY? I knew that already, tell me something else, please. Oh, don't get me wrong they had a lot of it could be, might be, may be, it's a possibility, and if it gets worse go to your doctor or come back here. REALLY!!?? Come back here? For what may I ask? To be here another four hours? And agian with the poking, pinching, taking my blood, urine, scanning my insides, taking my temp, vitals, to then tell me you're not sure and then start with the would be, could be? Hmmmm...maybe NO!!

So now I'm home on a light diet, mainly fluids only intake and rest. NICE!! and all at the perfect time, the day before school begins for my kids. Well all in HIS good and perfect time...

At least it wasn't anything that would require the removal of an organ or hopitalization. And for that I am thankful to my Heavenly Father for, and the staff that helped figure out that I can go home with abdomnial pain...Amen